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Friday, 12 February 2010

Aggie and Shuggie 22

 crisps

Duggie:

Aw hullo Mr Murduch. Thas as no yer yooshul booza.

Shuggie:

Aw at’s yersel. Naw, Ah jist fancied a wee change.

Duggie:

Cun Ah buy yerra drink?

Shuggie:

Why no, son? Ah’m right partched.

Duggie:

Whit’s yer pleashur?

Shuggie:

Pinta heavy.

Duggie:

Excellent choice. (to the barmaid) Two pintsa heavy, hen.

Shuggie:

Whit’ve ye goat thur? Looks like a wee, totie comptuta.

Duggie:

Whit this? At’s ma netbook.

Shuggie:

A netbook? Sat right? An whit’s tha when it’s at hame?

Duggie:

Wull at’s sorta like a wee, totie comptuta.

Shuggie:

Ah see, an whit’re ye lookin up. Ah hape at’s nae porn or Roabert Ludlum or onyhin.

Duggie:

Naw, Ah know betta than t’ lukat stuff like that. Yoor Maggie’d kill me fer stearters. Ah wis readin a gid refyoo af one af Maggie’s Unca Jim’s books.

Shuggie:

Ah new wan?

Duggie:

Aye. Jawaney see? At’s by sum bloke cawd Koe.

Shuggie:

Koe? Whit kinda name’s that?

Duggie:

I dunno. I hink e’s frae Yonkers.

Shuggie:

Yonkers. That whur aw yon yonks hang oot.

Duggie:

No way.

Shuggie:

Aye way.

Duggie:

An who’re the yonks?

Shuggie:

Wull, ye’ve heard af the Picts an the Gaels an the Celts an aw that that whit aw joined t’geetha tae becum the mighty Scoats nashun?

Duggie:

Aye.

Shuggie:

Well the yonks wanted t’join an we widne let em.

Duggie:

How cum?

Shuggie:

Buncha Ayrish grannie bashers.

Duggie:

So whit haeppened tae them?

Shuggie:

They buggered aff tae the New Wurld an set up camp thur.

Barmaid:

Thur’s yer drinks, boys.

Duggie:

An cun we huvva coupla bagsa crisps? Whit d’ya waant, Mr Murdoch? Thas as a great pub. Yoo name the crisps an they’ve goat them

Shuggie:

Cheese an Onyun then.

Barmaid:

We’ve nae Cheese an Onyun.

Shuggie:

Unfortunat. Gie us a payket af Smokey Bacon then.

Barmaid:

We’ve nain.

Shuggie:

Salt an Vinega?

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Sausage an Tamata?

Barmaid:

Nope.

Shuggie:

Cheese an Chive?

Barmaid:

Soarry.

Shuggie:

Crispy Duck an Hoisin?

Barmaid:

Ah jist sold the last wan tae a wumman in the snug.

Shuggie:

Cheese an Branston Pickle?

Barmaid:

Fraid no. We’ve goat...

Shuggie:

Haud yer hoarses, hen. Ah’m keen tae guess.

Barmaid:

Right ye are.

Shuggie:

Beef an Onyun?

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Chilli and Choclet?

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Cajun Squirrel, Sea Salt an Crushed Black Peppa, Fish an Chips, Salt ‘n’ Shake, BBQ Ribs, Builder’s Breekfast, Cheesy Woatsits...

Barmaid:

Hang oan we’ve goat Cheey Woatsits.

Shuggie:

Hank Christ. See us ower a couple af them then.

Barmaid:

(Looking under the counter) Soarry, oor cat musta nabbed em.

Shuggie:

Lamb an Mint.

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Marmite Yeast Extract.

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Curry.

Barmaid:

Indian or Thai?

Shuggie:

Thai.

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Jalapeno an Coriander.

Barmaid:

Normally . . . today the van broke doon.

Shuggie:

Ham an Wholegrain Mustard.

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Honey-flayvad.

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

American-style Barbecue Waffles perchance?

Barmaid:

Only at weekens.

Shuggie:

Ah! Whit aboot Plain?

Barmaid:

Y’mean Reedy Salted?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Barmaid:

Noat much call fer them roon these payrts.

Shuggie:

Noat much... Whit the? Thur the single maist poapula crisp an the woruld!

Barmaid:

No aroon these payrts, mista.

Shuggie:

An, pray, whit kinda crisp as the maist poapula aroon here?

Barmaid:

Joardans Ower Crisped Sundried Tamata Herb Chips

Shuggie:

Joardans Ower Crisped Sundried Tamata Herb Chips, is it?

Barmaid:

Oh, aye, staggerinly poapula.

Shuggie:

Cun we posably ave two paykits av Joardans Ower Crisped Sundried Tamata Herb Chips then?

Barmaid:

Ah jist . . . nnnnnnnnnnnaw, seems we’ve jist run oota them.

Shuggie:

Duggie, thas as noat livin up tae whit ye wid’ve had me believe.

Duggie:

Naw Mr Murduch, sayriously they really huv goat the finest selection an the distict. It’s a very clean pub.

Shuggie:

At’s certainly uncontaminated by patayta, wheat or corn snacks.

Barmaid:

Ye’ve no aisked me aboot the Texas Paprika Flava.

Shuggie:

As at wurth at?

Barmaid:

Cud be.

Shuggie:

“Cun we purchase two paykits av the Texas Paprika Flava crisps then af at widne be too much boatha, miss?” he asked expectin the ainsa, “Naw.”

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Really? Tell me Little Miss Barmaid, does yoos ave any crisps an thas establishment at aw?

Barmaid:

Aye.

Shuggie:

Hink carefully, hen.

Barmaid:

Naw.

Shuggie:

Naw?

Barmaid:

Nuhin. Diddly squat. Bugger aw. Noat een a stale Nik Nak.

Shuggie:

Peanuts?

Barmaid:

Salted, Dry Roasted; Cashew Nuts; Fruit an Nut; Chilli Peanuts; Almond, Sultana an Mixed Nuts; Monkey Nuts; Pistachio Nuts; Honey Peanut an Cashews; Nut an Seed Mix; Yoghurt Coated Cashews or Walnuts

Shuggie:

Jist a bagga dry roasted, hen

Barmaid:

(to Duggie): An fer yoo?

Duggie:

The same. Hanks.

Barmaid:

That’ll be seven ninety-fair

Duggie:

Thur ye go. Keep the change.

Barmaid:

6p? Christ! Last af the big spendas.

Apologies to Monty Python.

All the snacks listed above are real. For a comprehensive list of crisps see here and for nuts here.

9 comments:

Rachel Fenton said...

I love these - got my accent honed now!

Elisabeth said...

I'm beginning to get the accents, too.

This conversation is hilarious. I can't believe the names of all those chips, we call them. You call them crisps.

Once when we owned rabbit one of our daughters named each one after the name of said crisps/chips. One rabbit she called CCs, another Muncheros.

You could have a field day naming anything with such a list.

Thanks, Jim.

Kass said...

At your suggestion on the last Aggie and Shuggie post, I read this one aloud. It helps a lot and makes for smiles and giggles. What rave reviews of your books in the link!! Congrats.

koe whitton-williams said...

Jim - ah, the cheese shop skit. . . next time 'round, I'll bring in the bouzouki for a bit of background music.

Jim Murdoch said...

Then I look forward to seeing you post something on your site written in an accent, Rachel, if only for the fun of it.

Muncheros sounds like a good name for a rabbit, Elisabeth. The only rabbit I ever knew was a big black thing called Silence – I have no idea why.

Glad that helped, Kass. They are caricatures and so it isn’t important that you get the hard Glasgow accent right as long as you get the feel of it. How about trying something from the Deep South just for the hell of it?

And, Koe, yes, the famous Cheese Shop Sketch. Here’s a link for anyone not familiar with it. This is not the first time I’ve rewritten it. I set the whole thing in a Jobcentre once back in the seventies and a mate and I recorded the thing on tape, a tape now, sadly, long lost to a land fill. The ‘chedder’ job was a ‘labourer’. In the end the guy shoots the clerk so he can get his job.

Kass said...

The Cheese Shop sketch! Ha! Thanks so much for the link. Two of my favorites from the Flying Circus. Alma Maters Oxford and Cambridge should be proud of these two.

Jim Murdoch said...

Monty Python's Flying Circus was a big part of my childhood growing up, Kass. It was usually on late and so getting to stay up to see it was a big deal especially because this inevitably involved having to defend it too. I'm afraid I was one of those sad gits who could recite the Dead Parrot Sketch from memory . . . and most likely still could.

Years later I managed to get my dad to sit down and listen to the Four Yorkshiremen sketch and get him to admit it was funny.

Conda V. Douglas said...

Oh, oh, I love Monty Python and I adore this Aggie and Shuggie--did you type it on your totie netbook Jim?

Giggle, giggle.

Jim Murdoch said...

No, Conda, I rattled it off on my man-sized laptop with the pastel-green lid.

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