Living with the Truth Stranger than Fiction This Is Not About What You Think Milligan and Murphy Making Sense

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Aggie and Shuggie 26


satisfied-with-the-call

Telephone:

[ring ring, ring ring, ring ring]

Aggie:

Shuggie!

Telephone:

[ring ring]

Aggie:

Shuggie! Pick up tha ruddy phone ur Ah’ll come through thur an pickle yer walnuts.

Shuggie:

[muttering] Fine. Fine. [picks up the phone] Whidya want?

Rosie:

Mr Murdoch? Mr Hugh Murdoch?

Shuggie:

Whit’s it t’you?

Rosie:

Good afternoon, Mr Murdoch. My name is Rosalind Parker. I work for a research company called Nebby Polls and we’re asking people about their Internet habit…

Shuggie:

Ah dinnae look at poarn!

Rosie:

That’s fine Mr Murdoch. We’re not here to judge. I was…

Shuggie:

Tha’s okay then. Ah mean Ah might’ve strayed oante tha oad questionable site. By accident an at you know.

Rosie:

I understand fully…

Shuggie:

Ah mean, thur’s a loatta questionable stuff oot thur.

Rosie:

Precisely…

Shuggie:

An at’s no ma fault af Ah happen tae huffa weakness fer wimmen wi big chests.

Rosie:

I appreciate that. Now…

Shuggie:

Dirty great whobbly chests aw jigglin an bouncin an spillin oot aw ower the shoap. Ah mean a man’s goat tae be deed noat tae find tha jist a wee bit distractin. Ah mean…

Rosie:

MR MURDOCH!

Shuggie:

Whit?

Rosie:

I’m really not concerned with what “questionable” sites you may or may not have stumbled across in the past. This is a survey about what sites you visited online in the last twenty-four hours. Can we stick to that?

Shuggie:

Af ye insist, hen. Ah wis jist tryin tae be helpful an at.

Rosie:

Thank you. It would be most helpful if you could answer the following questions with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Do you understand?

Shuggie:

Aye. Ah mean yas.

Rosie:

Good. Right then. In the last twenty-four hours have you done any of the following online? Used a search engine?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Watched a film?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Listened to music?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Checked the news?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Used a social network?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Bought something?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Downloaded something?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

You have been online in the last twenty-four hours, Mr Murdoch?

Shuggie:

Aye. Ah huff.

Rosie:

So you’ve done something other than those things I’ve already listed?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

What precisely?

Shuggie:

Ah’ve read refyoos af oor Jim’s poemtry book.

Rosie:

You’ve read reviews of a poetry book?

Shuggie:

Tha’s whit Ah said, wumman. Oor Jim’s poemtry book.

Rosie:

I see. Do you remember the names of any of the sites you visited?

Shuggie:

Ah do. Thur wis Gloom Cupboard an Poemtry Hoond an Tha K’s No Longa Silent.

Rosie:

So, to summarise, in the past twenty-four hours you’ve used your computer to read three reviews of a poetry book on the following sites: Gloom Cupboard?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

Poetry Hound?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

The K is No Longer Silent?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

And that’s all?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

No? There was something else?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

And that was?

Shuggie:

Ma finger might’uff slipped an Ah might’uff typed in bigscotsbirdswithhugeknockers.com by accident like.

Rosie:

I see. Well thank you for your assistance, Mr Murdoch.

Shuggie:

As tha it then?

Rosie:

Yes.

Shuggie:

Ah don get oany book tokens ur oanyhin fer ma trouble?

Rosie:

No. I’m afraid not. Goodbye, Mr Murdoch.

Shuggie:

Aye, fine, an a guidbye tae you too.

[rings off]

Aggie:

Shuggie? Cun Ah huffa word wi you?

14 comments:

Elisabeth said...

I can't take the smile off my face, Jim. Your Aggie and Shuggies get more amusing every tine I read them.

This wonderful combination of your experience as a writer and poet, your blog life and the imaginary life of this hilarious Scottish couple is a light hearted romp through words. It's wonderful to see Kass's name mentioned too. It ties it all up for me.

Do you know, I live in fear and dread of actually landing on one of those illicit porn sites? So far I've managed to avoid them.

Thanks, Jim

Elisabeth said...

A bit off topic Jim, but do you know about Titus's blog.

I can't submit, but you're a Scot. you can.

See: http://titusthedog.blogspot.com/2010/08/whoo-hoo-edition-3-of-gutter-magazine.html

Cheers

Jim Murdoch said...

You can blame Kass for the lowering of the tone this time, Lis. She sent me a suggestive e-mail (I know! Go figure.) and that was all I needed to start me thinking. The rest came naturally. We get phone calls like that all the time. I actually quite like them but they never have much of a sense of humour.

As for Titus’ site, I assume to mean the latest issue of Gutter. I will get around to submitting something eventually. Mind you I said that when #2 came out and forgot. There’s just too much to remember. Most of my outstanding submissions are back in now. I actually got two rejections this week for stuff I sent in six months ago. It never used to be like this in the old days.

Kass said...

I've never been a muse for anyone (that I know of). Rosie must have been sent by Julie Schuler, who does a lot of nebbing.

I'm always shocked when people find my simple inquiries suggestive. Maybe I've taken the 'no longa silent' thing a neb too far.

...wish I had an alter ego like Aggie to blame it on.

Jim Murdoch said...

Now, don't try that one with me, Kass - you knew exactly what you were saying in that e-mail which fortunately I'm too much of a gentleman to rise to the challenge over.

Sangu said...

That was hilarious, so much fun to read!

Jim Murdoch said...

I’m glad you enjoyed this one, Sangu. The Aggies and Shuggies have become a bit of a tradition here. Rather than have a dull announcement: “Hey, I’ve got a new review up. Why don’t you pop over to such-and-such a site and give it a read and while you’re there maybe you could buy a book,” I decided on an indirect approach, to have this imaginary Glaswegian family incorporate a mention of the “refyoo,” as they would put it, in a humorous bit of backchat. What always worries me is that new readers won’t realise this and never click on the links to the actual reviews (and, by extension, never actually buy any of the books which is what this is all about). Some people have struggled with the gruff accents – this one was easier because we had an English voice in there – but if you read them aloud they make much more sense.

GO said...

lol

Jim Murdoch said...

Gabe, it's been a while. Glad I managed to put a smile on your face.

Dave King said...

As always... I'd give anything to be able to do that. Superb!

Jim Murdoch said...

Seriously, Dave, it's not that hard. You should have a crack at it. The UK has so many accents to pick from. It's just a matter of picking one you're familiar with. I used to have a Lancashire phrase book which was quite good. I remember they had 'Wiggan Kiss' instead of 'Glasgow Kiss' for a head-butt. There are plenty of models out there to get ideas from like Monty Python's 'Four Yorkshiremen' sketch or some of the Dagenham Dialogues by Pete and Dud or The Two Ronnies' two yokels.

Rachel Cotterill said...

Sounds like quite a standard pattern of use ;)

Dick said...

These really should be anthologised, Jim. You must have a fair old stack of them by now. Were you writing them
before blogging?

Jim Murdoch said...

No, Dick, there have been only the 26 that have appeared online. I've never tried to write one for any other purpose which is why I can't really envisage them as a collection. They're like a newspaper strip - one at a time is fine. But it pleases me that people enjoy them. I've just had a nice comment from an AmeriQuebecian lady who, much to my delight, saw the funny side and got the point.

Ping services