True love has to be proved.
It is an exclusive club,
True love requires sacrifice.
with its own initiation ceremonies.
It's funny really –
The membership fee was quite reasonable.
but I'm not laughing.
18 August 1989
Do atheists sin I wonder. They probably use the word because it’s a convenient word and we all get the idea: you did something morally reprehensible. I wasn’t an atheist in 1989 and it’s a word I still shy away from if I’m honest. In 1989 I wanted to believe even though I knew within myself I was a very poor fit. So how did I feel about my feelings for B.? Because I was supposed to I went through the motions of feeling guilty but deep inside I struggled to see what was wrong with what I felt. I’m not actually sure feelings can be wrong; they just are; you feel what you feel. Other people may not like that you feel a certain way and it may well be inconvenient that you do and cause problems if you act on those feelings but what was I doing that was so wrong? Milking the poetry out of the experience. I was fulfilling my function. Or was that all rationalisation? Hard to say now. All I knew was I was so damn mixed up, confused as hell on so many levels.