Living with the Truth Stranger than Fiction This Is Not About What You Think Milligan and Murphy Making Sense

Friday, 17 September 2010

Aggie and Shuggie 27

Oggies

Oggie:

Yer proapin up tha bar late t’night, Shuggie.

Shuggie:


Too troo, Oggie. See us ower anither pint o heavy an a packet af dry-roasted peanuts.

Oggie:

Wan pint cumin raight up. An thur’s yer nuts.

Shuggie:

Hanks.

Oggie:

Whit is it, Shuggie? Wimmen trubble?

Shuggie:

[Sighs]

Oggie:


Ah, nuff said, mate. Ah’ve bin known t’enrage tha fairer sex masel oan occashun. Wis ye sniffin roon tha floozy frae nummer tweny-fair?

Shuggie:



Nah. Ah’d get killt proaper af Aggie caught me chasin’ anither burd. Besides, fer aw her many, many failins Ah’m still kinda foand af the auld ba un chain. At’s jist…

Oggie:



Jist whit, Shugs? Ye cun tell me. Tellin a barkeep’s like confessin tae a priest oanly Ah’m mair likely tae tell ye tae say, “Gie us three Johnny Walkers an wan fer yer guid sel,” af ye get me drift. Noo, whit wis it?

Shuggie:

At’s nuhin, Oggie.

Oggie:


Ah huff no doot tha at wis nuhin. Wimmin’re no like us, Shuggie. Whit we hink as nuhin they hink’s summat major. Why d’ye hink Ah run a pub?

Shuggie:

Ah huff nae idea. Did ye no inherit it frae yer faither?

Oggie:



Tha Ah did but tha reason Ah hung oante it wis because Ah gets tae spend ma days wi men. Blokes who get whit Ah say an Ah get whit they’re oan aboot.

Shuggie:





Wull at’s like this, Oggie. This wumman cawd up doin sum phonemarketin malarkey an Ah happened – quite innocently – t’menshun tha Ah might huff – wance or twice ye unnerstan, just in passin – looked at nuddy wimmen oanline. Now, how wis Ah tae know tha Aggie wis lissnin?

Oggie:


D’ye zip up the back or sumhin? How loang huff you bin married, Shuggie?

Shuggie:


Long enuff tae know they’re aywis lissnin. Ah know. Ah know. Oanywise noo Ah’m relegated tae tha coach an ma back as killin me. Ah jist wish…

Oggie:


Ah, regrets, Shuggie. Ah could paper this place wi em. D’ye fancy a wee single malt t’chase tha pint doon?

Shuggie:

Ah widdne say, ‘No,’ Oggie.

Oggie:

So, ye’re sayin, “Yes.” Yes?

Shuggie:


Aye, Ah’m sayin, “Yes.” Huff ye effer known a Scoatsman refuse a drink? Dis tha Pope shite in tha foarest?

Oggie:



Fair point, Shuggie. Thur ye go. Talkin aboot regrets d’ye rememmer tha book yoor Jim brought oot aboot a year ago? Tha wan wi tha humungous blue butterfly oan tha cover?

Shuggie:

Stranger than Fiction? Aye.

Oggie:


Wull, Ah wis oanline masel last night – NOAT lookin at poarn Ah may add – an Ah stumbled upoan a new refyoo.

Shuggie:

Who by?

Oggie:

Ah dunno. Sum wumman cawd Cheryl Anne Gardner.

Shuggie:

Oh, aye.

Oggie:




Aye, Ah wis lookin up stuff about runner beans – Ah’ve bin hinkin af growin sum oan ma alloatment – an Ah came upoan this site called POAD People an, as you do, Ah hudda wee gander at it an whit d’ye know, a refyoo af tha book.

Shuggie:

An wis it decent?

Oggie:

Aye! Ah’ll say. She gied it 9/10. Tha’s okay.

Shuggie:

Tha’s very okay achally.

Oggie:


She says e’s a loat like Douglas Adams. Tha’s yon bloke tha did Tha Hitchhiker’s Guide tae the Galaxy n at ain’t he?

Shuggie:

Tha’s im.

Oggie:


Wull, Ah might jist gie yoor Jim a go then. Ah quite liked tha Hitchhiker’s Guide when at were oan tha telly.

Shuggie:

Ah’ll let im know an see af Ah cun get ye a signed coapy.

Oggie:

Hanks, Shuggie. Yer okay, Ah don’t care whit they say.

Shuggie:


E’s goat a new book af poyems oot at tha minute. Had a few decent write ups. Last wan wis frae some bloke cawd Gabriel Orgrease.

Shuggie:

Whit kinda name as that? As she a mechanic?

Oggie:

Naw, a stonemason I hink.

Shuggie:

How come you thought e wis a mechanic?

Oggie:

Tha name: Gabriella Grease. Tha’s not er real name is it, Shuggie?

Shuggie:

Nah. An at’s a bloke.

Oggie:

Oh.

Shuggie:



Anywise, Ah’m aff. Af Ah tell Aggie aboot tha refyoo ye neffer know at might jist put er in a guid mood an ye neffer know whur tha might lead. Night Oggie.

Oggie:

Night Shuggie.

6 comments:

Elisabeth said...

Thanks for this, Jim. I love the way Aggie and Shuggie and now Oggi introduce your work.

I have just read both reviews and met two new bloggers. Quite a treat. Both reviews are wonderfully written, and well worth reading in their own right. I've introduced myself to them both as a friend and admirer of yours.

I thought of William Gaddis's Agape Agape yet again in relation to your curmudgeonly Jonathan Payne, though Jonathan's much more likeable than Gaddis's protagonist, an old man complaining at the end of his life and bemoaning the book he never wrote. More regret.

What a fun blog world we live in.

Jim Murdoch said...

And of course, Lis, one of my favourite plays is Beckett’s Krapp’s Last Tape where we have an old, disillusioned writer listening to who he used to be on tapes recorded years before. I couldn’t pretend for a moment there’s not a bit of Krapp in Payne, both of their lives are shite and both are in pain – the choice of names was not accidental by any manner or means. I’ve just bought Agapé Agape if only to find out why the two words are spelled differently.

Conda V. Douglas said...

Love the new character Oggie and your voice is so fun in these. In my new novel, my main character is a bit of a git--hard to write and you do it so well--must be the Scots!

Jim Murdoch said...

There have been so many fictional bartenders that it was hard to know where to start with Oggie, Conda. There’s definitely a bit of Moe Szyslak from The Simpsons in there not that you’d get Moe offering anyone free drinks. I think the trick in writing a git is to fit them inside a very narrow personality; don’t allow them manoeuvre or growth. A lot of cartoon characters are like that and a git may not be a cartoon but he is a caricature. There’s also a bit of Al Murray’s character ‘The Pub Landlord’ in there: he has a number of politically incorrect views which he sometimes momentarily indulges in, for example, the belief that only women can drink wine. Personally I hate any place where women are excluded. I simply can’t get the concept of a men’s only club. Horrible, simply horrible.

patteran said...

Long live Aggie and Shuggie and welcome to Oggi.

Jim Murdoch said...

Well, Dick, I guess they'll live as long as people keep saying nice things about my books. It amazes me that I've managed to write this many.

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