Living with the Truth Stranger than Fiction This Is Not About What You Think Milligan and Murphy Making Sense

Thursday 29 July 2010

Aggie and Shuggie 24

fox head.DSL679

 

Aggie:

Shuggie!

Shuggie:

Whir’s tha fire?

Aggie:

Maggie, you an aw.

Maggie:

Whit’s up, Ma?

Aggie:

Tha postie’s jist deliffered oor Jim’s noo book.

Maggie:

Unca Jim’s goat a noo book oot?

Aggie:

Christ lassie. Af ye didne spend haff yer life plugged intae yoan iPoad ye might huf haffa cloo whit’s goin oan in tha real world wance an a while.

Shuggie:

Whit’s tha oan tha cover. Did Jim spill sumhin oan it befair e sent it tae us? Ah bet tha’s a naff wan e cudne floag an so e sent it tae us.

Aggie:

Shuggie, you can be a first class numtie. Nuhin’s bin spilt oan it. Tha’s tha pitcha.

Maggie:

Whit is it, Ma?

Maggie:

At’s wan o them Rorshack inkbloats.

Shuggie:

Cum again?

Aggie:

At’s wan o them pitchas psycholagists use t’see af yer daft or no.

Maggie:

Whit d’ye dae wi it?

Aggie:

Ye look at it an say whit ye see.

Shuggie:

Ah see an inkbloat.

Aggie:

Ah see an awkward pig.

Maggie:

Whur’s the pig?

Aggie:

Ah meant yer faither.

Shuggie:

Raight wumman. Enuff o tha.

Maggie:

At looks like two wimmen talkin.

Aggie:

Aye, Ah cun see tha. So whit’s tha hing inbetween em? At looks like a fox’s heed.

Shuggie:

See us it ower ere.

Aggie:

Wull?

Shuggie:

Dinnae rush me.

Aggie:

Yer suppaised tae say tha first hing tha comes intae yer brain.

Shuggie:

At looks like a willie.

Maggie:

Da!

Shuggie:

Wull it dis! A wee willie. Wull tha’s whit Ah see. Did ye look it up oan tha Intraweb?

Maggie:

Hang oan, Da, Ah’m jist daein it.

Shuggie:

An…?

Maggie:

Ah cun oanly see wan refyoo af it so far? Dave King.

Shuggie:

Dave who?

Aggie:

You know Dave King, Shuggie, tha nice auld bloke whit dis Pics an Poyems.

Maggie:

Ma! You don say ‘auld’ these days. Tha’s no politikly correct.

Aggie:

Wull whit then?

Maggie:

Yous’re suppaised tae say ‘chroanoloagiclly challenged.’

Shuggie:

Don’t talk tripe, girl. Oanyway, whit’s e goat t’say?

Maggie:

E hinks it looks like a wumman’s doodah.

Shuggie:

A whit? At’s a willie af effer Ah’ve seen wan – a willie oan a stick . . . mibbe.

Aggie:

Wull aw Ah cun say at’s a guid hing the wee white van wi the square wheels isne pearked ootside oor door oar they’d be haulin you aff, Shuggie.

Shuggie:

At’s no ma fault oor Jim puts hings oan is books tha people can’t make heed nor tail af.

Maggie:

Mibbie we shud gie Unca Jim a phone un see whit e says.

Aggie:

Tha’s a guid idea. Shuggie, you dae it.

Shuggie:

[Grudgingly] Fine. [Dials. Waits.] Jim? Ah, Shuggie ere. Ow’s it hangin? . . . Fine. Us too. Look we jist goat yer new poemtry book an at an we wis wunnerin whit’s the cover aw aboot. . . . Uh, huh. . . . Uh, huh. . . . Ah, see. . . . Okay, hanks mate. Catch ye later.

Aggie:

So?

Shuggie:

At’s whiteffer we want it t’be.

Aggie:

Wull, tha’s no much help.

Shuggie:

Nah at’s no. Maggie, goan an make us a cuppa tea, hen.

Maggie:

Awraight, Da.

Shuggie:

Ah jist ope is poyems’re betta than is pitchas.

6 comments:

Elisabeth said...

A Rorschach of a conversation this one, Jim and I think I understood every word.

Now I'm looking forward to examining the cover more closely myself to see what I make of it.

Jim Murdoch said...

Well I’m pleased you struggled through it, Lis. I would imagine your copy will be there any day now.

Dick said...

I've said it before - D.C. Thompson for the noughties!

Jim Murdoch said...

I can't think of higher praise, Dick.

Dave King said...

Priceless. I really am surprised you haven't yet collected these together in book form. They'd go a bomb, I'm sure. You'd kick-start that cult following, no prob's.

Thanks for the mention, but I've reserved first refusal on the wee white van!

Jim Murdoch said...

I don't honestly think they'd work out of context, Dave. I suppose I could try and rework them minus all the references to the book reviews.

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