Living with the Truth Stranger than Fiction This Is Not About What You Think Milligan and Murphy Making Sense

Monday, 21 September 2009

Aggie and Shuggie 19

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Sketch of a haggis in the wild

(Marag fabulosus)

 



 

 

 

 

Maggie:

Da!

Shuggie:

Whurrafuk?

Maggie:

Da! Wake up!

Shuggie:

Whu? Wha? Whurtza fire? Ach, at's yoo, Maggie. Whit time's it?

Maggie:

At's early, Da. Da, Ah needs t'talk t'ye. An whittur ye daen still kippin oan the couch? As Ma neffer goanna fergiff ye fer tearin up Unca Jim's book?

Shuggie:

Thank Christ ye woke me. Ah wis huffin an awfe dream.

Maggie:

Whit aboot?

Shuggie:

Me an yer Unca Jim wis aff oan this haggis hunt, the first o the seasun. We wis jist sneakin up oan thur fobhríste[*] crawllin thru the heather, oor meurans raised reedy fae the wee toe-rags t'cum scurryin oot aw roads an then this wee nyaff oan is first hunt stearted sneezin an befair we cud say "Fur fa yer oanest, soansie face,"[†] thur wis this affy lood drumna an a herd af haggii the size af buffallos wis bearin doon oan us an Ah wis runnin fur ma life. Oanly Ah goat stuck in a boag but it wisne a boag, it were a bowl af cold poarrige…

Maggie:

Da. Da! Stoap haverin. Pay attenshun. At's impoartunt.

Shuggie:

Whit is it, hen? An befair ye steart Ah didne tear up yer Unca Jim's book, it wis jist a page an it were an emerchancey.

Maggie:

That disne mayter noo. Thur's a noo refyoo aff Unca Jim's noo book up oanline.

Shuggie:

As that's aw?

Maggie:

Aye, but thur's a proablem. E gies away spoilers.

Shuggie:

No way!

Maggie:

Aye.

Shuggie:

An who did that?

Maggie:

Guy Fraser Sampson.

Shuggie:

Who that when e's at hame?

Maggie:

Frae Purswarden.

Shuggie:

Whit's a firm af accootunts daen refyooin oor Jim's book?

Maggie:

E's no an accootunt, Da. E's a lawyer aechully.

Shuggie:

A whit?

Maggie:

At's jist is day joab. E writes books un at tae. E wrote Maja Beanjy.

Shuggie:

Wis tha no aboot a doag ur summat?

Maggie:

No. Oanywise, whittur we goanna dae?

Shuggie:

Aboot whit?

Maggie:

Ur we goanna tell Unca Jim?

Shuggie:

How cun we no, hen? Wis atta gud refyoo?

Maggie:

At wur bitchin, Da.

Shuggie:

Ah guess Ah'll hufta take im oot an get im pished furst. E's a bagga nerfs at the minute. Fine. Leaf it wi me.

Maggie:

Raight, Da.

Shuggie:

An, hen?

Maggie:

Whit?

Shuggie:

Ye dinne fancy makin yer owd faither a cuppa tea di ye?

Maggie:

Okay.

Shuggie:

An mibbe a wee roll an soasage?

Maggie:

Don't push it.

 

References


[*] For details on the jargon used with reference to the haggis hunt see the online haggisclopedia under Part 7: Jargon.

[†] From To a Haggis by Robert Burns

8 comments:

Conda V. Douglas said...

Jim, where do you find these illustrations?! Loved the dream and popped over to Guy Fraser Samson's site--good review.

Jim Murdoch said...

To be honest, Conda, I just trawl the web until I find something suitable. I've panicked every time I've done an 'Aggie and Shuggie' that I won't be able to find something that'll work but I do. I didn't think I'd have any problem finding a cartoon of a haggis and there are loads, exactly what I expected, and then I ran across this one and it was so classy, simply perfect.

As for the dream, I hope you looked up the haggisclopedia – that was another gem. It treats the subject so seriously that, for me at least, it was hysterical. I remember once at college a we had to stand up and deliver some off-the-cuff speeches and one of the guys talked for two minutes on the lesser spotted haggis or something of the kind – just brilliant.

Rachel Fenton said...

The lesser spotted haggis is my chosen specialist subject I'll have you know! Only joshing! I was expecting poetry for kids part two - whatsamatter, you bored of sequels now? :)
You're on form, Jim!

Jim Murdoch said...

It's done, Rachel, and, barring accidents, natural disasters and acts of God it'll be up on Thursday about noon, my time. This is review season for me and so normal service will be interrupted from time to time whenever my book gets a review. How else am I going to persuade all you nice people out there that my books are worth buying? I really hate the hard sell that some sites go through. I'd rather entertain at the same time and, frankly, the 'Aggie and Shuggies' are fast becoming a bit of a tradition.

Dave King said...

You can't know what a Godsend this post was. I really needed cheering up (boring health issues which I'll not even adumbrate) and it has done the job fine. I always enjoy these little treats, but today was special. Thanks.

Jim Murdoch said...

Well, Dave, I'm sorry to hear you're having problems and I'm glad the post managed to buck you up a bit. Hopefully we'll have a few more over the weeks to come.

I have to say I was quite pleased with this one. Goodness knows why I've never mentioned the haggis before. I hope you looked up the haggisclopedia too - it's also very funny.

kasscho said...

Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm not familiar with this at all, but it sounds weird and charming. It reminds me of my mother's recitation of the Anguish Languish version of Ladle Rat Rotten Hut - "Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull how lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist."

Our family still quotes from it often. " yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainersi"

Jim Murdoch said...

Yep, Kasscho, 'Aggie and Shuggie' take a bit of getting used to especially if you just find yourself in a recent one because it's too much trouble to explain all the relationships but basically they're a Glaswegian family from Govan roughly moulded on Rab C Nesbitt and his wife "Mary Doll". If you're unfamiliar with him just type "Rab C Nesbitt" into YouTube.

Shuggie's wife is Aggie. Their daughter is Maggie and they have a dog known simply as "the dug". Maggie's boyfriend is Douggie Scoatt. They're relatives of mine although I never actually state what our relationship is.

They only appear when I've a book review to plug. It seemed like a much nicer way of getting people to read it without harping on at everyone to "Buy m book! Buy it now, for God's sake!"

The spelling is made up. It has to be because there is no "official" spelling of most Scottish words although I do check to see what's common. Other than that I've basically made up my own grammar rules and tried to stick to them as best I can.

People have suggested that I try and develop the characters but I'm not so sure. I think just the odd appearance makes them special.

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