For my Father
Dutifully I dial the number and ask for him.
He answers and
brick by brick we build a conversation.
Progressively the pauses
become more frequent
and intense.
Finally we replace our receivers,
each regretting not having said
what he had no words to say.
Somehow I love him
yet cannot reach him.
8 June 1979
Leaving home was hard for me. It was harder for my father. If I was no longer under his roof I was no longer under his control. He would have to trust that he’d done a good job.
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
I did try at first. I made contact with the local congregation but my heart wasn’t in it 
Mostly he called me. And it was him. My mum never called and I never called her. It was always Dad. And if Mum answered the phone it wouldn’t be long before I’d ask for him because if I was calling it was to talk to him. That was the way it was in our house. Dad was the head. I’d love to say Mum was the heart. But heart can also mean centre. And Dad was that too.
He never read this poem. It’s a shame because this is probably the last time and the only public time I ever said I loved him. And I did. I was hardwired to. I didn’t always like him but I could never bring myself to hate him. I suppose he loved me. I can’t remember him ever telling me but he showed it and I never doubted it. He was always there for me even when I disappointed him in the worst ways possible.
‘For my Father’ first appeared in print in Sepia #11.
This poem and post is quite touching and beautiful. It's nice to see this side of you.
ReplyDeleteThere are autobiographical elements throughout all my poetry, Kass, but mostly they’re not blatant. This is a rare exception in that nothing’s made up. The ‘I’ is me and the dad is my dad. The next poem I wrote that features my father was in January 1980. It’s entitled ‘My First Funeral’ and it’s virtually all fiction. I’ve been to a number of funerals over the years and so there had to be a first and I did go with my dad. I also remember whose it was but it was nothing like I describe. I doubt even back then I would’ve remembered much about the events of that day. I have to say I feel very exposed in this poem.
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