Aggie and Shuggie 26

Telephone:

[ring ring, ring ring, ring ring]

Aggie:

Shuggie!

Telephone:

[ring ring]

Aggie:

Shuggie! Pick up tha ruddy phone ur Ah’ll come through thur an pickle yer walnuts.

Shuggie:

[muttering] Fine. Fine. [picks up the phone] Whidya want?

Rosie:

Mr Murdoch? Mr Hugh Murdoch?

Shuggie:

Whit’s it t’you?

Rosie:

Good afternoon, Mr Murdoch. My name is Rosalind Parker. I work for a research company called Nebby Polls and we’re asking people about their Internet habit…

Shuggie:

Ah dinnae look at poarn!

Rosie:

That’s fine Mr Murdoch. We’re not here to judge. I was…

Shuggie:

Tha’s okay then. Ah mean Ah might’ve strayed oante tha oad questionable site. By accident an at you know.

Rosie:

I understand fully…

Shuggie:

Ah mean, thur’s a loatta questionable stuff oot thur.

Rosie:

Precisely…

Shuggie:

An at’s no ma fault af Ah happen tae huffa weakness fer wimmen wi big chests.

Rosie:

I appreciate that. Now…

Shuggie:

Dirty great whobbly chests aw jigglin an bouncin an spillin oot aw ower the shoap. Ah mean a man’s goat tae be deed noat tae find tha jist a wee bit distractin. Ah mean…

Rosie:

MR MURDOCH!

Shuggie:

Whit?

Rosie:

I’m really not concerned with what “questionable” sites you may or may not have stumbled across in the past. This is a survey about what sites you visited online in the last twenty-four hours. Can we stick to that?

Shuggie:

Af ye insist, hen. Ah wis jist tryin tae be helpful an at.

Rosie:

Thank you. It would be most helpful if you could answer the following questions with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Do you understand?

Shuggie:

Aye. Ah mean yas.

Rosie:

Good. Right then. In the last twenty-four hours have you done any of the following online? Used a search engine?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Watched a film?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Listened to music?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Checked the news?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Used a social network?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Bought something?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

Downloaded something?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

You have been online in the last twenty-four hours, Mr Murdoch?

Shuggie:

Aye. Ah huff.

Rosie:

So you’ve done something other than those things I’ve already listed?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

What precisely?

Shuggie:

Ah’ve read refyoos af oor Jim’s poemtry book.

Rosie:

You’ve read reviews of a poetry book?

Shuggie:

Tha’s whit Ah said, wumman. Oor Jim’s poemtry book.

Rosie:

I see. Do you remember the names of any of the sites you visited?

Shuggie:

Ah do. Thur wis Gloom Cupboard an Poemtry Hoond an Tha K’s No Longa Silent.

Rosie:

So, to summarise, in the past twenty-four hours you’ve used your computer to read three reviews of a poetry book on the following sites: Gloom Cupboard?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

Poetry Hound?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

The K is No Longer Silent?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

And that’s all?

Shuggie:

Nah.

Rosie:

No? There was something else?

Shuggie:

Aye.

Rosie:

And that was?

Shuggie:

Ma finger might’uff slipped an Ah might’uff typed in bigscotsbirdswithhugeknockers.com by accident like.

Rosie:

I see. Well thank you for your assistance, Mr Murdoch.

Shuggie:

As tha it then?

Rosie:

Yes.

Shuggie:

Ah don get oany book tokens ur oanyhin fer ma trouble?

Rosie:

No. I’m afraid not. Goodbye, Mr Murdoch.

Shuggie:

Aye, fine, an a guidbye tae you too.

[rings off]

Aggie:

Shuggie? Cun Ah huffa word wi you?